A few days without blogging stuffed me with so much that I want to vent, and for recalling a ‘word of wisdom’ my mom once preached to me, the external factor of a blog isn’t very important, what’s important is that you do have sustential things to write about and to keep it going. It is quite a wonder that profound things can often come out of the most ordinary people you see, and it usually enlightens you when you are mechanically driven to do things and are vexed by the unsolvables.
I was watching the international figure skating competition which is hosted in Moscow on TV last night, I feel a bit sorry for Plushenko when he fell - of course, being a 3-time world champ does not imply the idea that he’ll never fall. For what I’ve experienced for the past 13 years of my music life, the accomplishment of art related competitions is really just a factor of some totally unpredictable probability. Doesn’t matter how many hours a day you practise before the competition, doesn’t matter how much effort you put into preparing it, doesn’t matter how much fun you’ve sacrificed just for this, if you don’t feel well/right on the competition day, or if there’s a death in your family on that day which emotionally affect you greatly, or any other physical or emotional factors, you fall say, when you do a triple axel; and if you fall, you fall, the judges aren’t gonna give you extra marks just because they sympathize witih your emotional hardship or because you are an injured skater. It is cruel, and the hardest thing is, the competitor (the skater in this case) must still stand up and bow perhaps with a smile, and it takes so much courage to stand up again after the mistakes ‘fate’ made him/her to make, then to keep practising hard and to make an appearance in next year’s competition. Not to mention that other competitors in this field might look down to you because of the mistakes you made, and it is quite humiliating. These people deserve the respect, even if they fall.
Sometimes I’m confused when I get my marks back from school, beacuse it is fair and it is not. Teachers, or any form of judges who evaluate certain abilities of yours, obviously give you some sort of test to examine your ability because they don’t know you personally (the majority of teachers/judges) and test is the only means for them to judge you. Some teachers judge you by how much effort you put into a particular project despite the actual quality of the project, and some, on the other hand, look only for the quality of the project despite the effort you put into this. The former isn’t fair for those who are inherently smart at doing this project that they accomplish good quality effortlessly; the latter isn’t fair for those who aren’t inherently smart but very hard-working. I think it is because the purpuse of education is so vague in our society and that what people care about is the subordinated means. A teacher was bugging me to take notes in class the other day beacuse I gave up on writing them down due to the fact that she was changing the pages to fastly on the overhead; I told her I’d copy it off of my friend’s afterwards but she wouldn’t consent and she “strongly advice[d] [me] to write them down in class”. I wonder what the point of writing them down is, for I was sitting there reading the notes on the overhead and digested and comprehended them, I was learning - isn’t that was school is about? Help people learn? If the purpose is achieved why bother the means? No I don’t hate that teacher, she is a nice person and all; but that was just ridiculous.
What’s also ridiculous is something about my culture. I am so reluctant to post these criticism about my culture on my blog, I’ve been meaning to do that for a long time but always gave up the thought. I love my culture, for it is absolutely pitiful and pathetic for one to live without possessing one’s true identity; but as there’s always good AND bad things in everything, certain things I just can’t put up with anymore. I watched some show on life network before, basically they were documentaries of the process of ordinary western people (Americans) becoming parents. When the baby was born, the parents bursted into tears and said: I’m so happy that I brought this little life to earth, I just want this baby to grow up to be happy and enjoy this beautiful world. I cried, not only because I was touched by what they said, but also I knew this would never come out of Chinese parents’ mouths. There is an old Chinese saying: 养子防老, in English, producing children to prevent solitary life when one grows old. What a selfish thing it is. I’ve been cultivated to know that I live to repay, for something I don’t think I owe; Chinese parents believe that they produced us and thus gave us a chance to live, it is our duty to thank them and thus our lives are in debt. It is quite absurd, for we didn’t choose to be born. It’s like I forcefully give you a pen without asking whether you want to accept it or not and then ask you pay me $3.99 because I gave you a pen. I believe it’s not only a Chinese thing, it’s quite an Asian thing. That is why a lot of Chinese/Asian parents force their children to persue something as their career when their children absolutely detest it - but still must obey. Sometimes I hate it so much. But then, realistically speaking, when I have a kid I’d probably hope he/she’ll persue something as a career which I like; I think I’d be a horrible mom. Go back to my point, no matter how much I hate it, I still must perform it (as I said in my previous blog) for it is in the blood that runs in my veins, it is part of me.
My dad has been really absurd lately, and my issue with him is growing bigger and bigger. I ask him to do something for me he can refuse; but if he asks me to do things for him I must do it right away otherwise I get $@#$!ed.
Today is my 3-spare day, I was taking some notes in the library during 3rd period and saw some people in the library while they were supposed to be in their classes. No I won’t call them skippers, it’s a word almost in the derogatory sense; they weren’t in class because they had reasons. I sympathize with them. Everybody has days like that, in which the world just rotates backwardly. I suddenly had a huge surge of love towards my friends, I’d probably be mutilated million times if I didn’t know you; I know it sounds like a cliche but really, you guys really made my days brighter, I love you.
Audition in less than 2 weeks, Daniel said he’ll tour me around the faculty after my audition, I can’t wait. I stopped practising yesterday because my right hand was having a cramp, it hurt but I’m happy. I know I’ve suffered, and I hope suffering brings good outcome. Friends, parents and parents’ friends have been telling me that I don’t have big problems getting accepted, but I really don’t know; again it’s just an unpredictable probability, I might do really horribly for my audition and still get accepted, or do really well and not get accepted, or do really horribly and not get accepted, or do really well and get accepted. I feel much of my life has been some dice tossing, that induced my believing in fate. Sometimes I wish I could know my fate so I wouldn’t have to spend time and effort on something that’s gonna come out unlike the way I expect it to be. Too bad I don’t know my fate, and that’s precisely why my life is much more fun. What I do know is that life isn’t fair (ew, another cliche), and I don’t really wanna complain unless I need to vent to prevent some self-mutilation.
Lastly, I apologize for taking your time from the busy studying to read my long post. .. but I love you. =)
p.s. I decided to use blogsome, beacuse I don’t need to archive the posts manually thus it saves time.
p.p.s. I didn’t find a good fotoblog, so I decided to pay flickr for their unlimited storage when I’m in uni.
