I am Sof.

I read this girl’s blog this afternoon, a girl whom I’ve always thought is quiet and sheepish manifests a completely different side of her on her blog: opinionated, determined, passionate, strong. I admire her, really. I’ve said in my previous posts that sometimes I feel I’m not writing what my heart feels but what other people want to read, and I still feel that way. Perhaps it’s just the way I’ve been brought up, it’s hard for me to open up completely. I do possess social inability, but I don’t shun it. The ability to mange the art of social speech doesn’t seem to exist in my gene; I will well in my heart but as soon as it comes to speaking, it’d just come out the opposite of what my heart wills. In this case, I’ve chosen to not to speak. Only if people can read my mind all the time…

So I got what I wanted. Am I happy? Why not, I don’t want to have another breakdown. I’ve been spending most of my 4th year standing at a crossroad, indecisive and undetermined. Surely piano is something I want to pursue, and if everybody is given a talent by God, I do believe mine is music; then I have no reason to not to go for it. However, I do see what’s ahead of me, and it’s not pretty - not entirely anyway. Call it a pessimistic view point, but it’s better than having hopes up high and fall so hardly on my back when it’s not what I envision it do be.

My 4th year hasn’t been intact. Actually, my first detention and my first official skip all happened in this year. Bad girl? Always one in my blood. I don’t give a damn about it though, getting satisfying academic results is far more attention-catching. To be frank, not only isn’t my 4th year intact, it’s been pretty dark as well. I’ve had enough breakdowns, more than you’d ever imagine. I’m disgusted by myself that I’m so frail while I’ve always told myself to be strong. I’ve ran out of the building in a splitting harsh winter night in a tee and sweat pants in hope to catch a cold to gain some mental peace; I’ve crushed so hard that the only thing I could feel was my tears. But I’m glad that I’ve managed, somehow, through all these crap. Now that I stare at my offer and the Congratulations! that I’ve earned, I feel I must give a credit to what once almost destroyed me in full concern of the fact that more harsh things are coming.

To all who tried to help me but ended up giving a shitload of logical reasoning, thanks, but not really. Next time, I won’t have the time to listen to those things which would make me feel dumber. To all who’s been there crying with me and telling me you believe in me - even if it’s a lie - it’s been a lot of comfort, tied me to my sanity; I really appreciate it.

Crossroad soon will become an one-way, and the time for me to make up my mind is elapsing as I type all these words. I’m playing with my future, and no matter what I choose, it’s gonna be a stimulating game.

Tim got into UT as well, I’m happy for him and am looking forward to attending music lectures with him. He almost wanted to cancel Western’s audition tomorrow, that’d be a really wicked thing to do. I didn’t practise my pieces today, and don’t even talk about scales. I’m just gonna go there and wing it.

p.s. sorry my radioblog isn’t displaying… 1GB bandwidth for this month is reached. blame on the traffic - on the other hand, the more the better =P