I am Sof.

Yesterday I had a super bad stomachache in the record of history. I was close to a point which I could pass out - but unfortunately I didn’t, otherwise I wouldn’t have to suffer through the torture. It’s amazing how much one can do with just mental concentration - I never take pain killers but just concentrate, especially on a piece of music, and the pain would be alleviated. Bach, Bach partita worked.

I got up this morning, feeling slighly better than yesterday, and went to the kitchen filled up a biiig cup of water. Came out and sat on the balcony, drinking water, overlooking the scenery, doing nothing else but feeling relaxed. I suddenly felt very… happy, contented, blessed, peaceful, beatific, whatever word you choose; just the feeling that I know I’ve never really had and probably won’t have again in a long time; just sitting here doing nothing, worrying about nothing, fearing nothing, knowing I’m not alone anymore, knowing I’ll be doing exactly what I’ve always dreamed of doing for probably the rest of my life, I smiled.

University course selection package is received this morning. Courses like lyric diction and Italian/English masterclass are only available for opera majors or with the permission of the instructor, jazz music arrangement is also the same, only open for jazz majors unless with instructor’s permission. Seems like someone has a few talkings to do with the instructors. I wanna take the two music history survey courses coded with 2nd year numbers in my first year, learned from Daniel, try to spare some workload for the last 2 years for more practice time. As for the mandatory ensemble courses offered for piano majors, I decided to join the MacMillan Singers, although 4h/week rehearsal time is quite a load, but there’re a lot of performing opportunities that I’m looking forward to such as with the Toronto Symphony Orchestra and in the Bach Festival (which I think our own Madrigal Choir will also attend). Still haven’t decided on the Arts and Science electives - classical Chinese, history, art, philosophy, anthropology… too much I want to learn.

I feel so suffocated being stuck at home. If we didn’t have a balcony, I’d die. Looking forward to the outing tomorrow.

p.s. I found a good source of ebooks/etexts: http://www.gutenberg.org

.. has an absolutely gorgeous view. It’s on the 25th floor, overlooking downtown (many skyscrapers, CN tower) and also the lake. As well, it makes a perfect suicidal jumping-off location. Facing south-west, I also have a horizontally strecth canvas painted with the most beautiful sunset by mother nature that I often find myself lost in thoughts.

It’s crazy. My cable, as I posted in the previous blog, will be installed this Friday, and so for now I have no TV and no internet. Tonight, because the view is fabulous up here on the balcony, I took my laptop out with me in attempt to watch a DVD of some sort and my dear laptop informed me that it found a few wireless internet sources around here. So I connected to a not very strong one with no need of password to access (strong ones need password), and here I am posting entries on my blog. =)

My final marks aren’t so bad, I managed to pass calculus. English mark went up a lot which I’m really happy about, couldn’t find my student number when checking art mark, and if I do get an 80+ mark for art, I can maintain an A average.

So summer officially started. I still have no clue what I’m gonna do. Went downtown today bought Prokofiev Sonata, went to ref. library to listen to recordings while this mid-aged guy beside me was totally rocking in his chair - apparently he was listening to some rock album - and made such an annoying sound that got me irritated. Left there, sat around in the UT campus, marvelling at the fact that OMG I’M GOING TO BE A UNIVERSITY STUDENT.

Still lots of unpacking to do, and lots of practising, reading… and whatever I can think of…

Alright, my mom just informed me that the internet will be installed at my new apartment on July 1st, not June 27th… . So seemingly I won’t be back in a wink but luckily I think there’s a public library 3min walk away from our new place, so I’ll probably go there everyday to check email/update blog or something.

Hope to see you all tomorrow at school, and for any outing plans and whatnot, email me: sofxz@yahoo.com.

Ciao.

p.s. laptop now is the last thing that needs to be packed, my room is totally empty and it’s kinda saaad..

..sleeping in my room here. Tomorrow will be very hectic. My internet will be cut here on 27th and on the same day the internet will be installed at my new apartment. I don’t think I have time to use the net here before we move, and after we move we won’t have internet access until Monday - and when we do get our internet installed, I’m not sure if I can use my own laptop to get online because I’m planning to buy a wireless router and that’s gonna take a few days to accomplish.

So, bye for a little while, I’ll be back in a wink.

Also, it’s so friggin’ hot again. So I am very much tempted to cut my hair super short again. I dunno, I’ll see if I can handle all the taking care of it and tying it back and making sure it’s not messy and all…

I downloaded Shine (finally). So while I have no internet access, I can watch that.

Anyone who’s not going to school on Monday?

The marks of the final examinations for Chinese high school students are out today. This final exam for high school graduates is not a bit similar to what we have here in Canada, their exam is pretty much like the ancient Chinese merit system: all the high school graduates in China write exam on Chinese, chemistry, math, physics, English and another few courses during three days organzied by the national education board and universities look at the marks on these exams only. Which is not quite fair because a lot of students get very consistent good marks throughout the whole year but because they can’t handle pressures or encouter family tragedies or whatnot, they can’t concentrate when they write the exam and would end up getting bad marks. And it also means that this exam is pretty much what decides a Chinese student’s whole future, it is the most important milestones in one’s life; consequently, society treats this exam excessively seriously, and during this year’s exam, a student’s father was waiting outside the exam building for his child and suddenly had a heart attack and died. Another girl was under so much pressure that she went mad when writing the exam, scratched her exam papers and was eventually dragged out of the examination centre. Sometimes I feel lucky that I don’t need to undergo such torture.

This year’s Number One Scholar (one with highest marks) of Beijing is a girl from my former school. I’m so proud - although I don’t have much reason to be, I only went there for 1.5 years… but still, just so proud. Nearly every year one of the Number One Scholars is from MY former school=P. Oh, sometimes I just really wanna go back and spend my high school years there… it would be hard and different, but I know the school life would be much more colourful than what I had at Woburn.

Anyway. Zoe told me she applied to the criminal psychology program of the China People’s Police/Security University (sorry about the translation, but you get the idea of what it is). That sounds great, I’d probably go into history or psychology too if I were in China.

Yesterday Viv and I went shopping at Kensington, bought stuff from the Indian store and a belt from Tribal Rhythm, leather, black, thick and super simple. Afterwards we went to Kensington Cafe and I ordered an iced cappuccino envisioning it’d be something like Tim Horton’s, but it turned out to be just icecubed cappuccino. Coffee products sicken me so I don’t drink any of those unless it tastes far from coffee. So I had to survive myself by adding, literally, 15 table spoons of sugar in my cup. When I drank to the bottem, it was like sugar syrup, heehee…

I have been packing, so tired.

From Michelle:

Well, not so bad. Mostly true.

I’ve been packing, and I’m sure I just breathed in a year worth of dust from digging out old school essays, notes and handouts. I’m going to get rid of 80% of my high school works, only leaving a few essays and projects I did extremely horribly and extremely well.

I also have multitudinous amount of books/ornamentations/stuffed animals/bags and other stuff that I don’t need anymore. I’m going to donate most of them to Enoch’s church because they are having a garage sale on Saturday. But if anyone wants any specific things, let me know and I’ll see if I have it…

There, one more thing added to my goodbye list.

So I orignially wanted to keep the white background because it’s really simple and refreshing, but I couldn’t find any simple and refreshing pictures/photos taken by myself or on the internet to go with it. So I decided to do something with this picture I already had on my computer and here it is. After I messed around with the design on the left I realized it looks like Robyn’s colour scheme. But blue and light yellow is a good combination though.

…at Woburn doing something involving knowledge. I honestly couldn’t care less about calculus and I don’t know when I developed this habit of deprecating myself with it. It’s not a really good thing. I know I can do it, I just need to learn and study; but whenever I try to bring myself up to doing something with calculus, I just can’t do it. Even if it means studying for the final exam.

I didn’t do that badly on the exam, considering I didn’t really study… shamelessly I admit, I’m happy if I don’t fail (by fail I don’t mean Asian fail). And even if I do fail, I still have an extra gr.12 credit to make my way through graduating. Calculus is fun, but just not for my gr.12 year.

So school is out eh. Doesn’t feel like anything.

I left school at about 10:30am for 2 job interviews (well… they weren’t exactly interviews) and I must say, it had been quite an adventure. Much happened but I’m too lazy to type them. My conclusion, though, is that I’ll probably not going to work at the first place I went to because as I researched online, it might be a scam thing - a company owns a product and they are constantly recruiting members to join; but they gain money from recruiting more than from selling the actual product, and each member usual sells on his/her own. It was crazy how the workers there presented their company history and personal experience during a short seminar thing they threw us, they were glibly talking at the rate of about 7 Chinese charaters/second that I actually could not understand one of them, at all - and it sounded so much like they prepared for a draft and memorized it well and practised over and over. More over, they all sounded pretty much the same. I thought they were presenting PERSONAL experience rather than unified computerized experience. Also, whenever they were finished on their testimony on using the product, they’d raise their voice so high and shout out: thank you ****(company name)!!! I was like… o..kay… wow.. we know you thank them… It all sounded like a big propaganda. Right after they gave us the seminar thing, we were sent to little tables and were asked to pay $380 for a certificate of some sort and that’s where it became a question mark for me. I don’t think I have enough time to sell a product even if it’s really good, I’d rather be practising or doing things I like. So I told them I didn’t have $380, they said you can just deposit some cash and I said no I didn’t have any (which wasn’t true) and they kept on asking are you serious about this and I said yes beacuse I figured why don’t I just come back home and discuss with my parents and such.. and they wouldn’t let me go unless I tell them I’m not serious. So I told them, and they pretended they didn’t hear, and kept on asking me about money. Then again I told them I didn’t have any, then they asked me to open my purse to show them. This was the part that pissed me off the most. Who the hell do they think they are? They can just sit around asking people to see their private possessions? Anyways. Eventually I left, but I was led out by a guy who’s also quite young, York U 1st year I believe, and he was probably the most humanly person I met there among all those living-deads. He asked me if there’s anything I didn’t qutie understand and actually explained some stuff that I understood. Other workers also led out a few applicants who decided to leave and after they led them out, they started talking to them just like the York guy was talking to me, obviouly persuading them to go back -meanwhile telling them: we are a big company, we won’t persuade anyone to join us because there’s no need. What a contradiction. It was so ridiculously hilarious, Chinese business people can make a living hell out of you or making a living pathetic entertainer out of themselves. The York guy was extremely nice, he left me a phone number just in case I change my mind - which I’m pretty sure none of the other workers did. During the time we were talking, another worker came out, a guy who explained, in the earlier mentioned seminar that he used to work in the supermarkets doing labour works, super skinny and died yellow hair, fobby looking, moronic image. “Just ask her if she’s serious (to the York guy). Are you serious? (to me)” I almost blew up in his face - just shut up, I’ve heard that question so many times I’m about to explode; thanks. So, my first excuse of not working with/for them is that most of them are annoying arrogant ignorant idiots which I have no respect for whatsoever. Second excuse is, as I said before, it might be a scam. Well actually I think for this kind of job, you can gain a lot of money, just that you have to know how to bug people and lie.

Wow, I said I’m too lazy to type and see how much I typed.. Blog helps me to vent.

Second place I went to was in the Cederbrae Mall. It was okay, they said they’ll give me a call when they decide. I’m proud of myself that the manager there spoke to me in Cantonese and I actually understood but replied, however, in Mandarin. Afterwards, I saw a good quality, right sized turtle neck at Smart Set, priced down to $14 something from the original $30 something. So I tried it on, liked it a lot, and while I was paying it, they told me I get another 50% off which was $8.2 including tax. =D

Job hunting feels weird. I hate 9 to 5 jobs.

Moving soon. Yes.

My blog posts always seem to be delayed now due to my spontaneous laziness. I should change this bad habit.

On Friday I was down at the Metro Convention centre for a Chinese art exhibition which displayed many precious and super valuable contemporary Chinese paintings that are rarely seen by the public. Qi Baishi’s (齐白石) shrimps, Xu Beihong’s (徐悲鸿) horse, Fu Baoshi (傅抱石) and Zhang Daqian’s (张大千) master pieces and even the infamous well-known Chinese empress Cixi’s (慈禧) painting mounted with twelve dragons… it was a visual and spiritual feast. I think my $5 ticket was really well worth it. The exhibition guide also explained some techiniques of Chinese paintings and some content that’s far beyond the surface of the rice paper. Seeing each brush stokes done by the masters was really fantastic and marvelous, and not to mention how proud I feel to be Chinese after getting to know more about the rich and extraordinary culture behind the mere name.

Just a little anecdote my dad told me about Zhang Shuqi. Zhang is another very renowned Chinese artist and when he was having his personal exhibition in the States, a Westerner was very enthralled by the art and the culture and so he approached Zhang to ask how long it’d take to learn to paint like that. Zhang extended out his hand and gave him five fingers indicating the number “5″. The Westerner said: “Five months?” Zhang shook his head. “Five years?” Zhang shook his head. “It can’t be.. fifty years, can it?” Zhang again shook his head. Then he told the Westerner: “Five thousands years.” I always smile when I think about this. Five thousands years is the the time period which Chinese culture took to develope, and for a person who doesn’t possess the Chinese blood, it is very difficult for him/her to grasp the deep culture behind the beauty. So don’t be proud as a Chinese because you don’t get ‘discriminated’ agasint in the Pmall; be proud because you possess something that is so wondrous and beautiful.

The second part of the exhibition was a downer though - because it was all paintings done by and for the Fa Lun Gong practitioners and also to advocate their belief and to demonized Jiang Zemin - the previous chairman of China - and the current Chinese government. ( It’s funny how the Chinese gov. and Fa Lun Gong mutually demonize each other by using practically the same method) The paintings were not bad from the artistic perspective, but what I found most ridiculously ludicrous is the fact that they always put figures from different religions on the same canvas - so you’d see a Buddha on the top, lower left a Daoist sage, lower right a Christian angel and the Fa Lun Gong practitioners with a halo at the bottom. I personally don’t really know much about Fa Lun Gong because the founder of Fa Lun Gong - Li Hongzhi is basically a simpleton. It’s stupid how people would believe in something totally created by a person who hasn’t even gone to university/college who worked as a warehouse guard and waiter to gain a living. My view on this subject is that Fa Lun Gong practitioners aren’t ‘bad’ people, and Chinese gov. shouldn’t prosecute them that severely. Westerners who joined the force of Fa Lun Gong mostly, in my opinion, just wanted to use this as a means to oppose the Chinese communist government and the punishment Chinese gov. used against the Fa Lun Gong supporters is a way to show those who are opposed to the gov.. It’s merely a war between two political standpoint - as it has always been.

So much for some personal opinion. After the exhibition, I went to AGO to subscribe to the membership. I’m elated that I can just walk in anytime I want without paying. Muahaha. Then, I went to Kensington, saw some super cute skirts at the Indian store. I reeeaally liked them and think that I’ll probably go back sometime.

It’s 8:30 on a Saturday morning and unusually I could’ve gotten a chance to sleep in. But, my dad totally rang me up when he buzzed to get inside the building and there was something wrong with the phone and he kept on yelling downstairs for me to check the phones. AHHH! Now I can’t go back to sleep. So I’m doing this thing from Steph…

(o) smoked a cigarette *and didn’t really like it
( ) smoked a cigar
( ) crashed a friend’s car
( ) stolen a car
(o) been in love
( ) been dumped
( ) shoplifted
( ) been fired
(o) been in a fist fight *oh yeah baby, I was a violent little kid
( ) snuck out of my parent’s house
( ) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
( ) been arrested
( ) gone on a blind date
(o) lied to a friend
( ) had a crush on a teacher
( ) skipped school *I’ve skipped class though
( ) seen someone die
(o) been to Canada
( ) been to Mexico
(o) been on a plane
(o) eaten sushi
( ) been snowboarding
( ) been moshing at a concert
( ) been in an abusive relationship
(o) taken painkillers
(o) love someone or miss someone right now
(o) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(o) made a snow angel
( ) had a tea party
(o) flown a kite
( ) built a sand castle
( ) gone puddle jumping
(o) played dress up *heehee…
(o) jumped into a pile of leaves
(o) gone sledding *and I sucked
( ) cheated while playing a game *perhaps.. but I don’t play a lot of games in general.
(o) been lonely
(o) fallen asleep at work/school *oh man, that one during calc… yum..
( ) used a fake id
( ) watched the sun set
(0) felt an earthquake
( ) touched a snake *ew no, but I’ve eaten one;)
( ) slept beneath the stars
(0) been tickled
( ) been robbed
(o) been misunderstood *haven’t we all? it’s sad.
(o) pet a reindeer/goat
( ) won a contest colouring contests!
( ) run a red light only once though.
( ) been suspended from school
( ) been in a car accident
(( ) had braces *well… sorta..
(o) felt like an outcast
(o) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(o) had deja vu
( ) danced in the moonlight
( ) hated the way you look
( ) witnessed a crime
(o) questioned your heart
( ) been obsessed with post-it notes
(o) squished barefoot through the mud
(o) been lost
( ) been to the opposite side of the country
(o) swam in the ocean
(o) felt like dying
(o) cried yourself to sleep
( ) played cops and robbers *don’t think they have this game in China
(o) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers *acrylics
(o) sung karaoke *unfortunately yes
(o) paid for a meal with only coins
(o) done something you told yourself you wouldn’t
( ) made prank phone calls
(0) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose *yeah, my dad told me joke while I was eating soup during dinner and it happened
(o) caught a snowflake on your tongue
( ) danced in the rain
( ) written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) been kissed under a mistletoe *aww..
( ) watched the sun set with someone you care about *aww..
(o) blown bubbles
( ) made a bonfire
( ) crashed a party
(o) gone rollerskating/blading
( ) had a wish come true *don’t normally wish for anything
(o) worn pearls
( ) screamed penis in class
( ) ate dog/cat food
( ) told a complete stranger you loved them
(o) sang in the shower *always
( ) had a dream that you married someone
(o) glued your hand to something
( ) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
(o) worn the opposite sexes clothes
( ) sat on a roof top
(o) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
( ) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours.
(0) stayed up all night
( ) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(o) climbed a tree
( ) had a tree house
(o) are scared to watch scary movies alone
( ) believe in ghosts
( ) have more then 30 pairs of shoes close to it
( ) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
( ) gone streaking
( ) played ding-dong-ditch *what is this?
( ) played chicken * as in… play chicken?
( ) been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(o) been told you’re hot by a complete stranger *worse, a stranger I don’t even know if I’ve ever met
( ) broken a bone
(o) been easily amused
( ) caught a fish then ate it
(o) caught a butterfly
(o) laughed so hard you cried
(o) cried so hard you laughed
( ) mooned/flashed someone
( ) had someone moon/flash you
(o) cheated on a test
( ) have a Britney Spears CD
(o) forgotten someone’s name
(o) slept naked
( ) skinny dipped
( ) been kicked out of your house
(o) dreamed of killing someone you hate *not really someone I hate, but I’ve dreamed of killing people

Nobody likes the feeling of saying goodbye to the beloved people/things. Man, it’s been harsh.

A few months ago I bid farewell to my own piano for the first time and yesterday I said goodbye to a huge bag of clothes of mine as I dropped them at the Salvation Army donation place. Some of them were bought before I came to Canada and had been with me for all these years. They are just gone now. Gone. At least I know they’ll still make me smile when they are worn on a little African child’s bare body. And today, I said goodbye to my shelfless locker which I used for two years; while taking all the pictures down I knew I’ll never put them up there again. My locker has been great, it’s comprehensive enough for my whole body without bending any part. Needless to say I also said goodbye to many familiar faces which I have no idea if I’ll ever see again. By the Monday after the coming one, I’ll say goodbye to Woburn forever and in less than 20 days I’ll say goodbye to this area I’ve been living for almost 5 years ever after I landed in Canada. Other than feeling sad, saying goodbye means one other thing: a fresh start.

I’ve somewhat figured out my tentative plan for the summer. Get another job during weekdays; take driving lessons and hopefully get G2; read and learn lots of music; lots of beach going, lots of downtown visiting, lots of swimming and exercising and milk-drinking so my hands and myself can get stronger. Come to think of it, this is the first summer which I don’t have it exactly planned out. Take me out, take me out, take me out.

So I finally got the chance to read the comments in my yearbook because I’d been lazy to bring it back everyday until today. Comments are very heart-warming. Some people wrote about the admiration of my passion towards piano, and this made me feel guilty for the times I got lazy and not practising and really provided me a boost to aim higher and always work super hard towards the things I love. Thank you for giving me that kick. And also, some mentioned about reading my blog while I had no idea they were reading. I’ll always keep this blog going. =) …. and everybody should get a blog! because it’s the most convenient way for others to know how you are doing.

English exam went well. I chose the 3rd topic because I had a lot of reference from the text for that one compare to the 1st one and also, there was word I didn’t understand in #2 and I had no dictionary with me. One more exam (calc) to go and I’m done. Whoohoo.

My room doesn’t look like a room now. Big boxes on the ground filled with books and scores ready to be sealed for moving. While I was going through my books, I realized hey I’ve actually read quite a few books this year. That made me feel better and not so unaccomplished.

I downloaded one of Eason Chan’s old album, and it’s soundin’ nice. I love his voice and how he’s so into it when he sings - and at least he doesn’t go outta tune like *some* pop singers. I’m considering a new layout soon.

Some funny looking Japanese 18-year-old Meehee… I wonder if she deliberately plucked her eyebrows that way…

Just a few more days left. I haven’t been catching up with my work and have been winging tests lately. Just feel that there isn’t really a point of studying my butt off anymore since UT Music isn’t giving out any scholarships according to academic records.. I don’t think. It feels more strange when I realized school is almost out - and this time when it’s out, I won’t be able to go back to the same place anymore. Well I supposed I’m kinda used to adapting to new environment; I spent 6 years growing up with the same people then went to middle school for 2 years meeting people I didn’t really know, left China and went to gr.8 for less than a year in which I again met complete strangers, then there was Woburn. It indeed is weird to say goodbye to the people we once shared so much time with; then when we say goodbye we don’t know if we’ll ever see them again. Just live it, I tell myself; just live it.

Currently I have 3 more philosophy journals to do, and I also have to finish reading King Lear. Planning to start studying for calc tomorrow. UTMusic sent me a letter today informing me that there will be a pizza dinner with guidance sessions regarding uni stuff, I guess I’m going. I can’t wait to meet other musicians along with their strange and supposedly great minds. Reading 05/06 time table and calendar gets me reeeaally excited. Reeaaally.

Tomorrow should be the last 30-degree day. Wear tanktops while you still can. I regret the fact that I didn’t run out into the rain today; but I noted myself that I won’t miss it next time.

多伦多的天气这两天变得非常闷热，终于有些北京夏天的味道了。下午的小睡又让我出了一身的汉。我的头发长了；要不是打算把它留得很长很长，我现在就冲出去剃一个模霍克。灰色的闷热，我的邋遢与龌龊，我看着地上的这堆垃圾般的东西，有种想躺在上面的冲动。

我不知道我们是什么，只是知道他和我好像是咬合的齿轮。他是我的，对我，是非常完美的。看到的世界从此便是从对他的回味中看到的。而从他带有长长的又上翘的睫毛的眼睛里，我看到的又是另外一个世界。总是发现我自己迷失在他棕色的眼睛里，怀疑这在这个世界上有没有他不知道的事物。

要毕业了，我没有什么留恋的。我这四年的校园生活没有那么五颜六色 - 如果我有所谓的校园生活那是。和我非常情投意合的人大部分也会和我去同一所大学，我也就期待着和他们再遇了。夏天，我是没有什么想做的事情的。不对，我想买一本普洛克菲耶夫的奏鸣曲。还要弹。

事实就是这个样子：如果你的脑子被糨子糊住了，就别想轻易的把糨子弄走。

Insulting people isn’t funny, really.

It’s yearbook signing time. I’ve seen a lot of “I’ll miss you”s in people’s yearbook and felt really fake. I did not like Woburn that much, and certainly I will not miss the majority of the people. But the few I can count with my hands, I will miss tremendously - I’m sure to the point I can dream about them and wake up in the middle of the night, crying.

Mom was worried about something and I think what I said was perhaps a bit too harsh - or maybe not, but because my mom got mad at my utterance she almost went ballistic and said:”Yeah, I see you are finally growing up.” I felt I must have done something wrong. This is how I’m brought up - to be humble enough to accept anything and everything people tell me I’ve done wrong. They can say bad things to me without really knowing it’s really a weakness of mine, but I’d take it very seriously and let my world crumble inside. Vanity is bad? I say everyone should possess a bit of that - or else they’ll be left alone brutally peeled, flesh by flesh. Am I ever going to be strong enough? I don’t know. What I do know is, there’re many people just like me, and they can’t bear to take the cold words - and also the fact that I myself randomly say things without thinking, hurting many people.

Why is communicating sincerely with each other so hard? Why is it that we have to say bad things to hurt others to protect ourselves from being hurt? I don’t know what I want, or what I have. I’m really blank.

Perhaps if something never starts, it will never end.

The nights have been so perfect.

The days have been so bloody hot. Aside from the hotness, I finally got a sense that school is almost out - just a few days ago I still felt like there were 2 months to go. It felt too sudden. I am leaving high school, going to university, holy crap. I don’t know what I’m feeling right now, I guess it’s just the conjunction of the reluctance of leaving behind my four years and the anxiety of going on to the next step finally give my all to something I love. I should just walk the road.

I didn’t like how they changed my grad comment in the yearbook. “mov.” to “move”; “coda” to “loda” (is that even a word?). And they also deleted my blog address that I originally put there. *pouts*

I ordered Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince from chapters.indigo.ca, and it will be delivered right to my door step on the first day it’ll be out - July 16th, baby.

If you scroll all the way down, you’ll see a counter, and the number is almost 10000! To be exact, the hit isn’t completely this blog’s; I had this counter when I first started my website hosted by Rogers. But this number really is a milestone which marks my net-life since the first day I decided to settled somewhere on the net.

So, I’m thinking of giving out a little present thingy to the 10000th visitor to celebrate my little special number. But you’ll have to provide proof. - and please, no refreshing your webpage until the number turns 10000; don’t be a cheater. Regarding the present… well, I don’t really know exactly what it is… yet… maybe… a kiss? =P

update

But I decide to give out stuff to the first three, since it’s so close.

00 - Ivan.
01 - Mark.
02 - Stella.

What stuff? I still don’t know. Let me know what you want and I’ll see what I can do…. hehe.

Four day weekend really felt strange. When I was getting ready for bed last night I was preparing my school stuff and suddenly realized it’d be Sunday the next morning.

Today was humid and .. well, I can’t really call it ‘hot’ while knowing it’s around 36 degrees right now in Beijing. Now formal is finished and summer is arriving, I’m tempted to butcher my hair/shave my head again. But a promise is a promise, I’m gonna grow my hair really long maybe to the level of my waist, and then cut it all off for a mohawk or something.

I almost killed this little girl called Christine today. She’s six and has a little round face, puffy cheeks, little pony tail always swinging when she’s running around. She is soooo cute that I cannot help but to hold her really tightly and kiss her and all that. I have this strong urge to become a single mother with a little daughter - don’t get me wrong, the ’single mother’ part only implies the idea that I want to adopt a little girl. As my msn name suggests: if I have a daughter, she’d die of being excessively kissed. They are just so darn cute.

So much for some nonsense talk, now I’m gonna write about something I’ve wanted to write for a long time. So the Twelfth Van Cliburn Competition has finally ended. My life has been too hectic recently and so I haven’t been watching the semifinal and final arounds through the webcast - also because the quality of the webcast lowered for some reason after the preliminary round, the sounds of the piano could not be subtly distinguished and watching different competitiors wouldn’t really make much sense since all of their sound was the same, so I just gave up. I was kind of shocked at the fact that they let Joyce Yang in to, not only the semifinal around, but also the final around. She played Chopin’s grand polonaise and Liszt’s Don Juan in her first round, and played quite a few wrong notes - not harmonical wrong notes but notes you accidentally missed, finger slip rather - and compare to other competitors, that wasn’t very professional. Now, I’m not on the side of judging a pianist by the amount of wrong notes he/she plays, but if there are too many, it does affect the whole piece and is not as intact. She is the youngest competitor, being only 19, and so she did look a little bit .. let’s say, not as mature as the rest of the competitors; and she looked very relaxed when she was on the stage for her preliminary round recital - almost too relaxed you’d think she’s just here for the fun of it because she knows she’s not good enough to advance to the next level. But then again, I only watched the preliminary round, I don’t have much say in her musical style and overall quality. She was awared silver tonight. Wang Xiaohan did not get into the final round - being one of the 6 finalists in the 11th Van Cliburn Competition, that was kind of weird. His pieces were all kind of too ponderous, all I remember of him was the image of him sitting on the bench, playing and sweating. Chen Sa is the cutest pianist ever, I feel slightly regretful not hearing her concerti but I’m sure I’ll pay to hear her sometime in the future. She was awarded crystal.

Final results from the Van Cliburn blog:

Gold: Alexander Kobrin
Silver: Joyce Yang
Crystal: Sa Chen

Best chamber music:
Joyce Yang (Dvorak Quintet)

Best performance of a new work:
Joyce Yang (Currier’s Scarlatti Cadences + Brainstorm)

Discretionary awards:
Sodi Braide, Jie Chen, Gabriela Martinez, Maria Mazo

I’m sure the experience of entering and playing at this competition is something none of the competitors would forget. As the saying goes: fighting and lost is better than not fighting.

Okay, so my prom post is quite behind compare to other bloggers’. Nevertheless, it’s here.

Steph | Sof | Tiff

Stell | Sof | Ivan | Anthony

Prom night was on June 2nd, the weather was great to dress up quarter-nakedly. Everyone looked so amazingly gorgeous - from the pictures of past years’ prom, I think we are the most chic grads. However, a few other music students and I both agreed that the music banquet was better than the prom, more or less. Fancier locale, more people, longer, everyone dresses up more elegantly… and that’s about it. Food was alright, didn’t really like the music played, and thought funny of fact that the banquet hall was divided into 2 halves - this side, non-browns; the other side, browns.

I’m happy that I was the only one to wear the light green slash turquoise colour (I think…?), and thank goodness I did not trip with my 3.5 inch heels - although I *almost* fell when I went up to receive the award, the heel part was jerking about. Speaking of the award, I still can’t figure out what a crocodile bath puff has to do with being talented - hm.. use it so one can get more taltented…?

Gizillion pictures were taken and received, I’m still waiting for a picture CD from Ross with another gizillion pictures - I did not bring my own camera, simply because it’s too crappy. The prom ended nicely, and afterwards I, along with a few other people went to Steph Ng’s house to sleep over. By the time we got there it was around 12:30-ish, and we changed, showered, and decided to go star gazing in the backyard. After we went out and sat down, we realized that unfortunately star gazing had become cloud gazing and figured that we’d just go back in and watch The Phantom of the Opera DVD instead. After the 1st half or so, I gave up trying to stay awake and decided I’d just head to bed and sleep - at around 2 or 3. Later, I realized that even the attempt to do that was in vain. Apparently some people at Steph’s went out and were singing in the backyard 5 in the morning (I know, somebody really did go crazy). For the rest of the time, I tried to sleep off and on until 11:30. Taxied home, lied on my bed for about 30min and went out again, heading downtown this time.

Ivan and I went to get our TCards - which obviously is university of Toronto’s student Card. There weren’t many people, we got the cards in 5 minutes and I felt happy that hiding a student card with a hideous picture of myself for the next four years won’t be necessary. Then, we went to see Unleashed but realized we had 2h to kill before the movie started. So, we went to Nathan Phillips Square to listen to birds’ tweedle and shriek before I started to feel sick in my stomach watching that movie. The movie wasn’t bad, but is not on the list of my favourite either. Jet Li was great - and he’s Beijingnese too… =P - but most of the fighting in the movie was gross - fighting is always gross. Li’s role as Danny makes me wonder what the political intentions of this movie are - Li, being the only Chinese owned (by that, I don’t mean ‘owned’), controlled and surrounded by Caucasians and had to fight a Japanese samurai-ish figure, as well as at the end, “Kill me, killing is what you do. You are a dog, always a dog.” which reminds me of the “Chinese and dogs are not allowed” sign posted outside of Japanese and other foreign coutries’ embassy in the early 20th century. Meh, maybe it’s just me.

So glad two of my students had something to do and couldn’t make it to their lessons this morning, so I got to sleep in until 10. I died for that sleep. Good thing is that now I recovered from the stomach sickness. =( for missing the multicultural assembly, =) for getting yearbooks on Monday. Oh next week, I think I’m the only gr.12 who doesn’t have any summatives. Another =).

Who IS this?

I just got my hair done this morning, my head is like a mushroom right now. Aside form that, I look like a 30 something year old Japanese woman. I am also urging Parthi to shave, so I’m sure we’ll see lots of transformations tonight.

Tonight it is!

It’s been long since I’ve written something I really feel like writing. The weather is so nice now, I can just spend my whole day gazing outside without thinking about what I need to think about. It’s so beautiful that it’s blank.

In the same way, I have not done much school work lately - not that I had actually been doing work before, but I’ve just been more lazy and all. I think I failed my calculus ten percent summative, but I really don’t care about it - to the point I didn’t even bother to get my mark and the test paper to see what I did wrong. I also broke my record of not practising piano for 4 (or 5..? can’t remember) consecutive days - with the handy access to a piano. Note to self: do not ever do that ever again. It feels like my hands are turning into rocks, wrists are turning into steel sticks, fingers are as unstable as a tripod without a leg. I wanna start taking lessons again, as soon as I get my Rach II and Bach all settled.

We found a new apartment around the DVP&Eglinton area, moving in on July the first. I’m really looking forward to it because it’s on the 25th floor, and I can see both downtown and the lake. I’m sure the sunset will be electrifyingly beautiful. As of summer, I’m not really sure what I want to do - beacuse I have too many things I want to do. But at least with the moving and all, it’ll be a fresh start.

Formal is tomorrow. Doing my hair in the morning + 2 spares in the afternoon = I’m not going to school. Afterwards we’ll go sleep over at Steph’s and will watch the O.G. (the 6th time for me), it should be fun. Then on Friday, I will finally get my TCard. I can’t wait to see everybody dressed up gorgeously. One thing I’m really devastated, though, is the fact that they didn’t put my friends in the same table with me. I thought at least they could read the things written on the paper we handed in. We’ll see what we can do tomorrow.

Mom just called and that reminded me of phones. I HATE PHONE CALLS. Calling people, getting called, all the same. It must be something I was born with - I get really irritated and frustrated when I get called, doesn’t matter it’s my parents of strangers. Sometimes it gets out of control - I must have tele(phone-)phobia or something. Another thing I don’t get is, when some random salesrep calls for a insurance service or whatever and I pick up the phone and say “Hello?”, they’ll say:”Hi. Could I speak to your parents please?” or “Is there any adults I can speak to?”. How do they know I’m not an adult? Sigh, I admit my voice does sound like a 12-year-old sometimes.

Alright. Tomorrow is the day.(and it’ll be 26 degrees and sunny too; how perfect for picture taking)