I am Sof.

So, the Chinese government finally blocked blogsome. I had to split my Chinese blog and my English blog again and that’s why you noticed the extra link on the top.

I don’t know when it was that I realized it’s a very difficult thing for the three of us to talk normally - and by normal, I mean the mannerism which doesn’t involve any intentions of using harsh words to ridicule or deprecate another.

Dinner is usually the only meal we have together. And you know there’s the existence of a dimensionless space between everyone when all you talk about during dinner - your only meal together - is the food. How to cook them, how to store them, the difference of the tastes… Or sometimes with the sound of chopsticks, there’s only another sound - silence. There isn’t even any moment of awkwardness in such silence, we’ve all learned how to live in our own little worlds. The ones who adapt live, and we’ve certainly adapted to having a fantastic time with our own worlds, even if another breathing human being who just happens to be the one we love - or should love - is sitting an inch away from us. I’ve only grown nonchalant, if I’ve grown at all.

You have not a damn right to talk to her like that, even if you are my father.

What is the meaning of marriage?

The commitment, responsibility and certain legal entitlements? - benefits, let’s make it straight.

Marriage rots love.

Because marriage invovles money. Money rots love. Doens’t money rot everything?

Everything rots love except for freedom.

I am just going to run, endlessly, nonstop. With the flying silk, the light breeze, the streaks of sunglow. I can be catched, but not stopped.

I’m stopped, only when my heart also stops.

“What is being normal? Maybe being abnormal is normal.”

…at Woburn doing something involving knowledge. I honestly couldn’t care less about calculus and I don’t know when I developed this habit of deprecating myself with it. It’s not a really good thing. I know I can do it, I just need to learn and study; but whenever I try to bring myself up to doing something with calculus, I just can’t do it. Even if it means studying for the final exam.

I didn’t do that badly on the exam, considering I didn’t really study… shamelessly I admit, I’m happy if I don’t fail (by fail I don’t mean Asian fail). And even if I do fail, I still have an extra gr.12 credit to make my way through graduating. Calculus is fun, but just not for my gr.12 year.

So school is out eh. Doesn’t feel like anything.

I left school at about 10:30am for 2 job interviews (well… they weren’t exactly interviews) and I must say, it had been quite an adventure. Much happened but I’m too lazy to type them. My conclusion, though, is that I’ll probably not going to work at the first place I went to because as I researched online, it might be a scam thing - a company owns a product and they are constantly recruiting members to join; but they gain money from recruiting more than from selling the actual product, and each member usual sells on his/her own. It was crazy how the workers there presented their company history and personal experience during a short seminar thing they threw us, they were glibly talking at the rate of about 7 Chinese charaters/second that I actually could not understand one of them, at all - and it sounded so much like they prepared for a draft and memorized it well and practised over and over. More over, they all sounded pretty much the same. I thought they were presenting PERSONAL experience rather than unified computerized experience. Also, whenever they were finished on their testimony on using the product, they’d raise their voice so high and shout out: thank you ****(company name)!!! I was like… o..kay… wow.. we know you thank them… It all sounded like a big propaganda. Right after they gave us the seminar thing, we were sent to little tables and were asked to pay $380 for a certificate of some sort and that’s where it became a question mark for me. I don’t think I have enough time to sell a product even if it’s really good, I’d rather be practising or doing things I like. So I told them I didn’t have $380, they said you can just deposit some cash and I said no I didn’t have any (which wasn’t true) and they kept on asking are you serious about this and I said yes beacuse I figured why don’t I just come back home and discuss with my parents and such.. and they wouldn’t let me go unless I tell them I’m not serious. So I told them, and they pretended they didn’t hear, and kept on asking me about money. Then again I told them I didn’t have any, then they asked me to open my purse to show them. This was the part that pissed me off the most. Who the hell do they think they are? They can just sit around asking people to see their private possessions? Anyways. Eventually I left, but I was led out by a guy who’s also quite young, York U 1st year I believe, and he was probably the most humanly person I met there among all those living-deads. He asked me if there’s anything I didn’t qutie understand and actually explained some stuff that I understood. Other workers also led out a few applicants who decided to leave and after they led them out, they started talking to them just like the York guy was talking to me, obviouly persuading them to go back -meanwhile telling them: we are a big company, we won’t persuade anyone to join us because there’s no need. What a contradiction. It was so ridiculously hilarious, Chinese business people can make a living hell out of you or making a living pathetic entertainer out of themselves. The York guy was extremely nice, he left me a phone number just in case I change my mind - which I’m pretty sure none of the other workers did. During the time we were talking, another worker came out, a guy who explained, in the earlier mentioned seminar that he used to work in the supermarkets doing labour works, super skinny and died yellow hair, fobby looking, moronic image. “Just ask her if she’s serious (to the York guy). Are you serious? (to me)” I almost blew up in his face - just shut up, I’ve heard that question so many times I’m about to explode; thanks. So, my first excuse of not working with/for them is that most of them are annoying arrogant ignorant idiots which I have no respect for whatsoever. Second excuse is, as I said before, it might be a scam. Well actually I think for this kind of job, you can gain a lot of money, just that you have to know how to bug people and lie.

Wow, I said I’m too lazy to type and see how much I typed.. Blog helps me to vent.

Second place I went to was in the Cederbrae Mall. It was okay, they said they’ll give me a call when they decide. I’m proud of myself that the manager there spoke to me in Cantonese and I actually understood but replied, however, in Mandarin. Afterwards, I saw a good quality, right sized turtle neck at Smart Set, priced down to $14 something from the original $30 something. So I tried it on, liked it a lot, and while I was paying it, they told me I get another 50% off which was $8.2 including tax. =D

Job hunting feels weird. I hate 9 to 5 jobs.

Moving soon. Yes.

My blog posts always seem to be delayed now due to my spontaneous laziness. I should change this bad habit.

On Friday I was down at the Metro Convention centre for a Chinese art exhibition which displayed many precious and super valuable contemporary Chinese paintings that are rarely seen by the public. Qi Baishi’s (齐白石) shrimps, Xu Beihong’s (徐悲鸿) horse, Fu Baoshi (傅抱石) and Zhang Daqian’s (张大千) master pieces and even the infamous well-known Chinese empress Cixi’s (慈禧) painting mounted with twelve dragons… it was a visual and spiritual feast. I think my $5 ticket was really well worth it. The exhibition guide also explained some techiniques of Chinese paintings and some content that’s far beyond the surface of the rice paper. Seeing each brush stokes done by the masters was really fantastic and marvelous, and not to mention how proud I feel to be Chinese after getting to know more about the rich and extraordinary culture behind the mere name.

Just a little anecdote my dad told me about Zhang Shuqi. Zhang is another very renowned Chinese artist and when he was having his personal exhibition in the States, a Westerner was very enthralled by the art and the culture and so he approached Zhang to ask how long it’d take to learn to paint like that. Zhang extended out his hand and gave him five fingers indicating the number “5″. The Westerner said: “Five months?” Zhang shook his head. “Five years?” Zhang shook his head. “It can’t be.. fifty years, can it?” Zhang again shook his head. Then he told the Westerner: “Five thousands years.” I always smile when I think about this. Five thousands years is the the time period which Chinese culture took to develope, and for a person who doesn’t possess the Chinese blood, it is very difficult for him/her to grasp the deep culture behind the beauty. So don’t be proud as a Chinese because you don’t get ‘discriminated’ agasint in the Pmall; be proud because you possess something that is so wondrous and beautiful.

The second part of the exhibition was a downer though - because it was all paintings done by and for the Fa Lun Gong practitioners and also to advocate their belief and to demonized Jiang Zemin - the previous chairman of China - and the current Chinese government. ( It’s funny how the Chinese gov. and Fa Lun Gong mutually demonize each other by using practically the same method) The paintings were not bad from the artistic perspective, but what I found most ridiculously ludicrous is the fact that they always put figures from different religions on the same canvas - so you’d see a Buddha on the top, lower left a Daoist sage, lower right a Christian angel and the Fa Lun Gong practitioners with a halo at the bottom. I personally don’t really know much about Fa Lun Gong because the founder of Fa Lun Gong - Li Hongzhi is basically a simpleton. It’s stupid how people would believe in something totally created by a person who hasn’t even gone to university/college who worked as a warehouse guard and waiter to gain a living. My view on this subject is that Fa Lun Gong practitioners aren’t ‘bad’ people, and Chinese gov. shouldn’t prosecute them that severely. Westerners who joined the force of Fa Lun Gong mostly, in my opinion, just wanted to use this as a means to oppose the Chinese communist government and the punishment Chinese gov. used against the Fa Lun Gong supporters is a way to show those who are opposed to the gov.. It’s merely a war between two political standpoint - as it has always been.

So much for some personal opinion. After the exhibition, I went to AGO to subscribe to the membership. I’m elated that I can just walk in anytime I want without paying. Muahaha. Then, I went to Kensington, saw some super cute skirts at the Indian store. I reeeaally liked them and think that I’ll probably go back sometime.

Insulting people isn’t funny, really.

It’s yearbook signing time. I’ve seen a lot of “I’ll miss you”s in people’s yearbook and felt really fake. I did not like Woburn that much, and certainly I will not miss the majority of the people. But the few I can count with my hands, I will miss tremendously - I’m sure to the point I can dream about them and wake up in the middle of the night, crying.

Mom was worried about something and I think what I said was perhaps a bit too harsh - or maybe not, but because my mom got mad at my utterance she almost went ballistic and said:”Yeah, I see you are finally growing up.” I felt I must have done something wrong. This is how I’m brought up - to be humble enough to accept anything and everything people tell me I’ve done wrong. They can say bad things to me without really knowing it’s really a weakness of mine, but I’d take it very seriously and let my world crumble inside. Vanity is bad? I say everyone should possess a bit of that - or else they’ll be left alone brutally peeled, flesh by flesh. Am I ever going to be strong enough? I don’t know. What I do know is, there’re many people just like me, and they can’t bear to take the cold words - and also the fact that I myself randomly say things without thinking, hurting many people.

Why is communicating sincerely with each other so hard? Why is it that we have to say bad things to hurt others to protect ourselves from being hurt? I don’t know what I want, or what I have. I’m really blank.

Perhaps if something never starts, it will never end.

Four day weekend really felt strange. When I was getting ready for bed last night I was preparing my school stuff and suddenly realized it’d be Sunday the next morning.

Today was humid and .. well, I can’t really call it ‘hot’ while knowing it’s around 36 degrees right now in Beijing. Now formal is finished and summer is arriving, I’m tempted to butcher my hair/shave my head again. But a promise is a promise, I’m gonna grow my hair really long maybe to the level of my waist, and then cut it all off for a mohawk or something.

I almost killed this little girl called Christine today. She’s six and has a little round face, puffy cheeks, little pony tail always swinging when she’s running around. She is soooo cute that I cannot help but to hold her really tightly and kiss her and all that. I have this strong urge to become a single mother with a little daughter - don’t get me wrong, the ’single mother’ part only implies the idea that I want to adopt a little girl. As my msn name suggests: if I have a daughter, she’d die of being excessively kissed. They are just so darn cute.

So much for some nonsense talk, now I’m gonna write about something I’ve wanted to write for a long time. So the Twelfth Van Cliburn Competition has finally ended. My life has been too hectic recently and so I haven’t been watching the semifinal and final arounds through the webcast - also because the quality of the webcast lowered for some reason after the preliminary round, the sounds of the piano could not be subtly distinguished and watching different competitiors wouldn’t really make much sense since all of their sound was the same, so I just gave up. I was kind of shocked at the fact that they let Joyce Yang in to, not only the semifinal around, but also the final around. She played Chopin’s grand polonaise and Liszt’s Don Juan in her first round, and played quite a few wrong notes - not harmonical wrong notes but notes you accidentally missed, finger slip rather - and compare to other competitors, that wasn’t very professional. Now, I’m not on the side of judging a pianist by the amount of wrong notes he/she plays, but if there are too many, it does affect the whole piece and is not as intact. She is the youngest competitor, being only 19, and so she did look a little bit .. let’s say, not as mature as the rest of the competitors; and she looked very relaxed when she was on the stage for her preliminary round recital - almost too relaxed you’d think she’s just here for the fun of it because she knows she’s not good enough to advance to the next level. But then again, I only watched the preliminary round, I don’t have much say in her musical style and overall quality. She was awared silver tonight. Wang Xiaohan did not get into the final round - being one of the 6 finalists in the 11th Van Cliburn Competition, that was kind of weird. His pieces were all kind of too ponderous, all I remember of him was the image of him sitting on the bench, playing and sweating. Chen Sa is the cutest pianist ever, I feel slightly regretful not hearing her concerti but I’m sure I’ll pay to hear her sometime in the future. She was awarded crystal.

Final results from the Van Cliburn blog:

Gold: Alexander Kobrin
Silver: Joyce Yang
Crystal: Sa Chen

Best chamber music:
Joyce Yang (Dvorak Quintet)

Best performance of a new work:
Joyce Yang (Currier’s Scarlatti Cadences + Brainstorm)

Discretionary awards:
Sodi Braide, Jie Chen, Gabriela Martinez, Maria Mazo

I’m sure the experience of entering and playing at this competition is something none of the competitors would forget. As the saying goes: fighting and lost is better than not fighting.

I learned how to make a pentacle with an elastic band and my fingers today. I was fascinated by it during my philosophy test when I was supposed to write. I almost did not finish the test because I got lost in pentacle-making.

Hmm… my room smells so good with the flowers, I’m falling in love with them. Speaking of aroma, I went to Eaton Centre last week and was given a card sprayed with JLo’s perfume. I put the card randomly somewhere in my shopping bag and put my shopping bag in my closet after I got back, and I’ve been smelling the JLo perfume whenever I openned my closet for about a week now, so strong. I wanna take it out but I have no idea where I threw it. =S

Viv and I went downtown shopping on Wednesday, I got some good stuff and a top for music banquet. Then we went to Da Ma’s （大妈）place to eat, her stuff was as good as ever. Then, we headed to the Faculty for a concert of a student who’s studying for master’s degree in piano performance, I also saw my possible future piano teacher. It was a great day.

Because I’ve decided to go to U of T for piano, we decided to move to a place that’s closer to downtown and also close to DVP so my mom can drive to work. My dad will be going back to China and I’m not ditching my mom to rent a place right in downtown (although that is reeaaally tempting, but one of the advantages of living with my mom is that I get free meals =P ) and she might go back to China sometime in the future as well so renting is the best idea. So, my dad and I went to look for places yesterday and we went to many locations, eventually drove to this area near the Science Centre, there was fantastic natural surroundings, and we found this little apartment that almost looked like a hermit’s place - it’s as if you are living in a forest away from the human society. Because the building is kinda old and not very good with the sound proof system, so I can’t really practise a lot if I live in there, I will probably spend the whole day at U of T practising, attending classes, and then come home to this hermit’s place. I really do have to practise at school more than I do at home, because nobody can handle a few hours of consecutive pracitsing; but can’t imagine myself spend 12h/day at the Faculty/downtown without a place to stay other than the practice room. Maybe this is a good thing, it’ll force me to stay in the practice rooms to practise more.

The whole looking for a place thing really hit me. I consider myself a bit anti-social and I don’t interact with strangers unless I have to, but when I had to talk to the superintendents and to ask very practical questions such as how much it costs to rent a place, what is provided in the room, and asking myself whether I can afford it, what I’m going to do if I don’t get enough money, eventually led me thinking about what I’m going to do after I graduate if I study piano. It’s not that I’ve never thought about this question, I’ve just never really looked at it so realistically. I have to admit, it was really kind of scary. Now I’m only 18 and I have my parents here with me, I have friends I know well, I live in an area which I’ve been living four almost 5 years, I really don’t know how I’m going to cope with a completely unfamiliar environment. Unlike many people I know, CBC or new immigrants alike, they are here in Toronto and they know they’ll root here. For me, I know this is just going to be my second home country and I’ll be always drifting around. I’m not at the stage where I need to think about a place where I can always come back to and I don’t want to think about it either - because there’re so much of the world that I want to explore. However, it is quite hard to live without the feeling of security and without knowing there’s always a place you can go back to, where you can just live happily until you die. And personally, it is equally scary if I waste my whole life renting a pathetic place to live for the rest of my life without doing any of the things I want to do - and by then I suppose I’ll have to rely on God’s word if I want to live happily.

Yo-Yo Ma’s Bach music soothes me.

Following Stella’s footstep, I have also officially accepted U of T’s offer on the OUAC page. Ahh… I cannot wait to get my TCard on the 20th. Jing said that she also decided to go to U of T instead of Waterloo and she’ll be renting a place there as well. So nice, now I have two places to crush. Ha. Jing also said, she’ll be coming to the banquet. =)

I was just browsing people’s MSN spaces on my contact list and somehow I was redirected to the Chinese fob community - and mainly fobs from mainland China. Goodness, sometimes I’m just so very thankful that Woburn isn’t full of fobs, I can’t imagine what it’d be like if I were in.. say, A.Y. Jackson. I’d have long dyed yellowy hair, PMall as my permanent dwelling place, cut 3 of my fingers to always have the “V” sign, take lots of fobby gross narcissistic web-cam pictures with pouting lips, contrived ‘cute’ postures, speaking like a 4-year-old girl. Ah, I’d kill myself before I get killed. I don’t get some mainlanders, they come here and they wanna be like HK fobs. I mean, if you wanna be fobs, at least be mainland fobs; have some mainland pride. Geez.

Ken and I were having a good discussion on how a pianist can gain money. In a music school, piano major is very profitable because nearly all other instrumentalists need a piano accompanist for final exams and such. Heehee… A friend of mine who’s in such environment told me that the saddest major, in terms of spending money, would be the composition majors - if they compose a piano piece, they pay 1 person; a violin sonata, 2 persons; a quartet piece, 4 persons; an orchestral piece, a whole bunch of people. It’s general consensus that it’s very hard to earn a living from being a concert pianist, so I must prepare more back-up plans. After all, working is a means of getting money, getting money is a means to travel and to live the kinda life I like. I’m glad I wasn’t born to realize the ludicrous importance of money - although sadly I pine for it so very badly when I need to go shopping.

The hardest part of La Campanella? It is sitting through the waist pain when the body is leaning towards the right side for a few mintues to practise. Rach 2 is fab though, it makes me forget all the crap that I either consciously or unconsciously think about. Really, when you’ve got music, what more can you ask for?

Yesterday went downtown, finally felt liberated. Met up with I.S., gave Alan’s present to him, then went down to Eaton Centre checked out stuff, bought stuff and dropped off my resume. Saw Sin City without being underage and guild-ridden, but it grossed the hell out of me - the cinematography was good, but the movie was gross. Though it was kinda chilly after the movie when I was walking in downtown, but at least summer is finally arriving.

Today I got up at 8:45, still feeling a pang of emptiness and vomitness in my stomach, I felt weak. But I still had to get my butt to work and so I went. After I got back and had lunch, I was cleaning up my room and was sorting out the tonnes of clothes that I have. It was such a pain. I love clothes, but before I recently matured in this aspect and realized that I should only buy the clothes that I really really want or really really suit me to save money and save space in my closet, I had bought lots of trash. And when I came to Canada, I brought clothes I had from China which now, obviously, are shrunken. (although some of them still look pretty good and I’d still wanna wear…) I was having such a war with my clothes, they were e v e r y w h e r e. I had to sort out the good/new ones that I want my consins to have so that when my dad goes back to China he can bring them with him. (surprisingly, lot of the clothes are new… I never even wore them. I just bought them, realized that the size isn’t right or something, then ditched them) And reality proved that my size DID expand horizontally, whether proportionally or not with my whole body. So girls, I do have 2 pairs of pants and a jean skirt that are new and I can’t wear - I grew fat - if you want them just email me or something.

Clothes bring back so many memories. The dress I wore to the banquet, my recital; the first shirt my parents bought for me in Canada; sweater my parents got me in Hong Kong.. Now I’m going to say goodbye to them. =( It’s weird, after the spring concert, when my 4th year is going to end, I have to say goodbye to so many things. *sigh* It is sad but necessary.

I really didn’t know how to title this post. I’m really speechless.

This has been the most special day of my entire life so far, and I cannot express my thankfulness enough times to those of you who made it special. I was telling Mrs.Houghton before I went on stage that the concert was the best birthday gift I have ever received. You guys are wonderful musicians, and it’s been my pleasure to have collaborated with you all. For the record, I really meant it when I wrote the last sentence of my bio. =)

I’m really tired, but I’m too excited to sleep. I’ll probably write more as the night goes on.

————
Alright, so it’s now 2:27 in the morning. My prediction came true: I tried to sleep but couldn’t succeed. Physically tired, mentally excited. So I’m sitting on my bed with my laptop and writing more of my thoughts.

I was actually quite nervous before the concert. It’s not a matter of experience or logic, it just comes out naturally - think about Rubinstein shattering a glass before a concert due to nervousness and Horowitz had to be pushed onto the stage. My pre-performance syndrome is the feeling of throwing up - I can’t eat anything, if I do, I’d feel like vomiting; but if I don’t eat, where do I get the energy from in order to perform? My mom suggested that I should eat no matter what, and go throw up and come back eat again. I should practise that.

Parthi got very emotional after the concert, and I think I was still too into the performing mood that I did not really resonate. But now when I think about it, it’s been four years. I still remember the first day I stepped into the music hall wondering why all these people were so tall and I was so short; how I joined concert choir with Steph, Stella, Barbara, Jing and how much we used to laugh during the rehearsals. Feeder school tours, Madrigal Choir concerts, jazz band gigs, now the most memorable Rhapsody with Wind Ensemble. It all happened too quickly…. But I am ready to say goodbye, because only by departing can we realize the preciousness of one thing. I’m ready to put all these memories into a dainty box with a seal that says Woburn Music.

Oww.. now my stomach is hurting. I don’t know how I’m gonna drag myself to school tomorrow but luckily I only have 1 class. I’m a little tired now, and I think I’m gonna go back to lying on my bed and be awake for a few hours before sunrise.

p.s. I got the offer from Western Ontario U. 3/3, complete.

Ha, now Yahoo! email is 1GB too. Yahoo! vs. Gmail, Yahoo! wins with all those cute little emoticons.

So I’ve officially decided to NOT to go back to China this summer (sorry Michii, I’ll bring you the Mao hat next summer…), because i) I need to prepare myself before I step into uni ii) I have a lot of things I wanna do in Toronto iii) I need to get one more job - man I need $$ so very badly. Apparently Lang Lang, Evgeni Kissin, Isaak Perlman and all those big names are coming to Toronto as stated in the TSO 05/06 season program, and I wanna make a subscription to their programs. As well, I’m thinking of joining AGO and possibly ROM for their membership. AND I wanna subscribe to several magazines, like National Geographic, (Teen) Vogue, etc. So, to conclude, I NEED MONEY!!!

…

I find myself getting more and more fed up with speaking to people. Seemingly whatever I say, it’d come out the wrong way. It’s not so much of the fact that I care about how people think of me, it’s that I don’t wanna hurt anybody’s feelings when I don’t intentionally want to (I really wish we can live in a world in which people can read each other’s mind sometimes). And specifically, I’m fed up with the Chinese hypocritical way of being humble and nice when speaking.

I asked this auntie (she’s Chinese) to come to the Spring Concert on Thursday if she can make it because her daughter’s into music and also, I told her that it’ll be my 18th birthday. She did not look particularly happy and gave me this semi-screwed face, but eventually did agree to come. I was feeling weird and after I got in the car and told my mom about it, I realized that the auntie probably thought the reason why I told her the birthday part was because I intended her to bring me birthday presents. But hell, I so did not mean that. The reason why I told her that was because it’d mean a lot to me if she can just come, especially it’s on a special day for me.

In Chinese culture, if you don’t want something, you say you don’t want it; and if you DO want something, you still say you don’t want it - if you say you do want it, people would think you are greedy and not humble. So on the formal dinner table, when the host asks a guest whether he/she wants more of whatever dish, the guest is expcted to say : oh no, please, it’s so very nice of you, I cannot possibly ask for more (translation: oh yes, please, I do want more) and the host is supposed to say: you are such a welcomed guest, please take more, please. And then the guest is expected to say more crap like what he/she already said to refuse, and then the host does the same and after a few rounds, the guest gets it. Note: it’s mandatory to refuse it. It’s so friggin’ fake.

So, after I realized that I shouldn’t have told her the birthday part, I thought it’d be even worse to go back and explain it to her because if I say to her: please don’t take it the way that I want you to bring me presents for my birthday, because I didn’t mean it; please don’t bring anything at all. And she’d take it as: please do bring me presents, that’s actually what I meant; I just thought that I should come back and point it out to make it clear.

This is utterly hypocritical. Thanks to Confucius.

I read this girl’s blog this afternoon, a girl whom I’ve always thought is quiet and sheepish manifests a completely different side of her on her blog: opinionated, determined, passionate, strong. I admire her, really. I’ve said in my previous posts that sometimes I feel I’m not writing what my heart feels but what other people want to read, and I still feel that way. Perhaps it’s just the way I’ve been brought up, it’s hard for me to open up completely. I do possess social inability, but I don’t shun it. The ability to mange the art of social speech doesn’t seem to exist in my gene; I will well in my heart but as soon as it comes to speaking, it’d just come out the opposite of what my heart wills. In this case, I’ve chosen to not to speak. Only if people can read my mind all the time…

So I got what I wanted. Am I happy? Why not, I don’t want to have another breakdown. I’ve been spending most of my 4th year standing at a crossroad, indecisive and undetermined. Surely piano is something I want to pursue, and if everybody is given a talent by God, I do believe mine is music; then I have no reason to not to go for it. However, I do see what’s ahead of me, and it’s not pretty - not entirely anyway. Call it a pessimistic view point, but it’s better than having hopes up high and fall so hardly on my back when it’s not what I envision it do be.

My 4th year hasn’t been intact. Actually, my first detention and my first official skip all happened in this year. Bad girl? Always one in my blood. I don’t give a damn about it though, getting satisfying academic results is far more attention-catching. To be frank, not only isn’t my 4th year intact, it’s been pretty dark as well. I’ve had enough breakdowns, more than you’d ever imagine. I’m disgusted by myself that I’m so frail while I’ve always told myself to be strong. I’ve ran out of the building in a splitting harsh winter night in a tee and sweat pants in hope to catch a cold to gain some mental peace; I’ve crushed so hard that the only thing I could feel was my tears. But I’m glad that I’ve managed, somehow, through all these crap. Now that I stare at my offer and the Congratulations! that I’ve earned, I feel I must give a credit to what once almost destroyed me in full concern of the fact that more harsh things are coming.

To all who tried to help me but ended up giving a shitload of logical reasoning, thanks, but not really. Next time, I won’t have the time to listen to those things which would make me feel dumber. To all who’s been there crying with me and telling me you believe in me - even if it’s a lie - it’s been a lot of comfort, tied me to my sanity; I really appreciate it.

Crossroad soon will become an one-way, and the time for me to make up my mind is elapsing as I type all these words. I’m playing with my future, and no matter what I choose, it’s gonna be a stimulating game.

Tim got into UT as well, I’m happy for him and am looking forward to attending music lectures with him. He almost wanted to cancel Western’s audition tomorrow, that’d be a really wicked thing to do. I didn’t practise my pieces today, and don’t even talk about scales. I’m just gonna go there and wing it.

p.s. sorry my radioblog isn’t displaying… 1GB bandwidth for this month is reached. blame on the traffic - on the other hand, the more the better =P

..only 2 weeks until I get up in the morning and murmur to myself: good morning, you are 18. Am I paranoid? Someone please tell me I’m paranoid.

I was walking home today after 2nd period, and when I was about to enter my building I looked up at the branches, green little leaves were coming out. How sudden and unexpected. It’s as if it undergone a magician’s bewitching woosh of the wand, *bam* it’s there, it’s all cute and tiny and green. “Spring rain is as precious as oil” - as a Chinese saying puts it, I spent an hour this afternoon lying on my bed, listening to the precious sound of spring rain. What peaceful time it was. Why is it that we have to run around to do whatever we are impelled to do until we are so fatigued and we can no longer stand up, and then we collapse on the ground and look around realizing wow, why the heck were we doing these nonsense for? Life is hard to figure out, but who ever said it should be figured out?

He came back, left again; then she came back. And there were silence and pretence. And banging doors. And more silence. No, I’m fine. I’ve become numb.

Formal is coming soon, too. Tiff’s got a dress, Stell has a plan, Parthi bought his suit long time ago, Steph N. got it a few months ago from the States. I AM STILL CLUELESS. I haven’t even checked out any stores. … well, that’s a lie; my mom took me to PMall but I didn’t see anything good there. After this Saturday, after this Saturday I shall be free.

Just a side note, for anyone who’s concerned with acne or pimple on the face, use Proactiv. It really works. If you don’t believe me, stop me in the hallway and stare at my face if you want living proof. Oh wait, that wouldn’t really work; because you haven’t seen my face before I started using it. There’s still stuff on my face though; but hey, I’ve only used it for a week.

My head is on WM’s page. Wow. Freaked me out. I should practise harder now, can’t bear to disappoint anyone. =P

I probably should go to bed now; get ready for a pic with a cowboy hat.

I’ve been blindly busy.

UofT entrance test this Saturday and I’ve been living with lots of harmonying. I actually enjoy doing those, I like them better than calculus homework. The way I envision my university life is great provided that a lot of music theory/history stuff will be taught every single day. Really, that’s like heaven.

For those who asked me for my grad photo… I ordered the red one (if you remember, the one I posted on my diaryland blog) on Walmart’s website and hopefully I can get them soon. Bad thing is , I didn’t photoshop the ‘LifeTouch’ part out, so it’s gonna look a bit weird. If it’s very bad, I’m gonna photoshop it again to make it better. (and also, I think it’s gonna be a little bigger than what you get from Life Touch)

Blog-wise, I’m planning to make a new layout but I’ve been really spaced out lately; and thanks to Robyn I’m currently working on my background music. Please kindly tolerate this current layout because I know on some computers there’s overlapping going on.

I’m really tired right now - and having a stomachache =( - so I’m too lazy to write a lot, but I just want to express my scolding feelings towards Japan, not only for they shamelessly proposed to UN for the permanent seat but also, they NEVER admitted what they’ve done wrong. It’s a fact that they killed about 300 thousand Chinese people in the Nanking holocaust (they had ‘beheading competitions’ between officers to see who could behead more Chinese people; they took turns to rape Chinese women even when they were pregnant; they killed the women and gouged the baby from their wombs; similar inhumane cruelties are countless) and they never showed any remorse whatsoever and instead, in the textbooks for students, they changed the history and wrote exactly opposite of what happened. Recently there was this huge protest in Beijing against Japan, and I support them. Shame on you, Japan.

Man I still smell like Kensington.

Supposedly ‘blue tongued’ version of me.

The sky viewing from the window of my room.

Things that occupy my mind , in order of appearing frequency:

1/ univeristy
2/ university
3/ university
4/ piano
5/ prom dress
6/ English ISU
7/ going downtown / shopping
8/ job/work
9/ all the fun that’s to come

Things I want to do, not in any particular order:
1/ get my ears pierced
2/ go to Paris
3/ do a photoshoot of naked human body
4/ own a PT Cruiser

I’ve tried on a few prom dresses at STC today, but I don’t think I’m getting one from there, since ‘everybody will get theirs there’. I have some vague ideas of what I want my prom dress to be, but the ones I like are i) too much $$ ii) too long/don’t have my size iii) colours aren’t exactly to my taste. Blah. Although I’ve said I don’t want a black one, but now it seems like I’m desperate to the point that if I do happen to see a good black dress, I’ll probably just buy it. Don’t laugh at me when I appear in a black strapless dress… hehe.

Did I mention I want to do a photoshoot of naked human bodies? I got the idea when I was taking a shower, as crazy as it sounds. It can be so beautiful. Speaking of photography, I think I’m gonna stick with the old-fashioned way with the film and the SLR. Digital is convenient, but the real art of photography also takes action in the process of developing films (which I technically know nothing about). As well, it eliminated the possibility of inauthenticity; namely, photoshopping.

Blame spring’s beauty for my incoherent post.

I met one of my closest friends who’s living in Beijing the other day on msn, and she said she’s aiming for Tsinghua University and Peking University which are the best universities in China; they already signed a ‘contract’ with her for her special violin talent but whether or not she can get in, it still depends on her mark - everything is about the mark, it’s resentfully true.

We recalled the happy days that we spend together before I came to Canada, thinking back, those were the truely innocent days. Our school changed a lot, they built a swimming pool, and rebuilt the cafeteria, as well as the grand concert hall. I believe people there changed a lot too, and I can’t imagine what kind of person I’d be like if I hadn’t come to Canada. It’s all too crazy. One thing I am pretty thankful is that I didn’t attend a high school full of fobby Chinese people in Toronto, and thank god I’m not a fob with blond hair. I’d die if I were compelled to live with them.

This week is gonna be pretty warm, that doesn’t comfort me for I’ll be staying at home most of the time. I should probably take a walk everyday, otherwise my pre-audition syndrome might kick in and I’d be cranky until my audition is successfully finished.

I’ve got school works too, can’t escape that.

Process to the realization:
1/computer is off, internet is disconnected, notebook/textbook is open, “I’m just gonna do my work today”.
2/after about 10 minutes, turns on the computer, “I’m just gonna turn it on to check my calendar and to use the dictionary; it’s save, the net isn’t connected”
3/after another 10 minutes, connects the internet, “I’m just gonna check my email.”
4/once internet is connected, emails are checked, “ahh.. I’m just gonna see who’s online.”
5/once signed into MSN, “……”.
6/2h later, “WAH? IT’S BEEN 2 HOURS?! Aw man, I should’ve never turned on the computer.”

Next time, same thing happens from 1/. Hmph.

I’ve downloaded an episode of Detective Conan, it’s fun and everything, but it just takes too long to download a 25min episode. I’ve also got some books in my hands that I should start reading; I’ve actually started reading this book about Paris written by a Chinese litterateur and artist (written in Chinese), it’s really fascinating. I’m definately gonna visit Paris, if not the summer after this coming summer, and I also wanna live there when I am old, lonely and old.

I want to cry like a baby now, no reason. One, two, three, go: WAH.. WAH…

p.s. Andrew did you try to leave a comment with a link regarding Yahoo and Flickr? If so, I’m sorry the comment didn’t get through, cuz it got spaminated. =P (wordpress automatically blocks an entry if it ‘thinks’ the comment contains spam) And thanks for that link if it’s you. =)

A few days without blogging stuffed me with so much that I want to vent, and for recalling a ‘word of wisdom’ my mom once preached to me, the external factor of a blog isn’t very important, what’s important is that you do have sustential things to write about and to keep it going. It is quite a wonder that profound things can often come out of the most ordinary people you see, and it usually enlightens you when you are mechanically driven to do things and are vexed by the unsolvables.

I was watching the international figure skating competition which is hosted in Moscow on TV last night, I feel a bit sorry for Plushenko when he fell - of course, being a 3-time world champ does not imply the idea that he’ll never fall. For what I’ve experienced for the past 13 years of my music life, the accomplishment of art related competitions is really just a factor of some totally unpredictable probability. Doesn’t matter how many hours a day you practise before the competition, doesn’t matter how much effort you put into preparing it, doesn’t matter how much fun you’ve sacrificed just for this, if you don’t feel well/right on the competition day, or if there’s a death in your family on that day which emotionally affect you greatly, or any other physical or emotional factors, you fall say, when you do a triple axel; and if you fall, you fall, the judges aren’t gonna give you extra marks just because they sympathize witih your emotional hardship or because you are an injured skater. It is cruel, and the hardest thing is, the competitor (the skater in this case) must still stand up and bow perhaps with a smile, and it takes so much courage to stand up again after the mistakes ‘fate’ made him/her to make, then to keep practising hard and to make an appearance in next year’s competition. Not to mention that other competitors in this field might look down to you because of the mistakes you made, and it is quite humiliating. These people deserve the respect, even if they fall.

Sometimes I’m confused when I get my marks back from school, beacuse it is fair and it is not. Teachers, or any form of judges who evaluate certain abilities of yours, obviously give you some sort of test to examine your ability because they don’t know you personally (the majority of teachers/judges) and test is the only means for them to judge you. Some teachers judge you by how much effort you put into a particular project despite the actual quality of the project, and some, on the other hand, look only for the quality of the project despite the effort you put into this. The former isn’t fair for those who are inherently smart at doing this project that they accomplish good quality effortlessly; the latter isn’t fair for those who aren’t inherently smart but very hard-working. I think it is because the purpuse of education is so vague in our society and that what people care about is the subordinated means. A teacher was bugging me to take notes in class the other day beacuse I gave up on writing them down due to the fact that she was changing the pages to fastly on the overhead; I told her I’d copy it off of my friend’s afterwards but she wouldn’t consent and she “strongly advice[d] [me] to write them down in class”. I wonder what the point of writing them down is, for I was sitting there reading the notes on the overhead and digested and comprehended them, I was learning - isn’t that was school is about? Help people learn? If the purpose is achieved why bother the means? No I don’t hate that teacher, she is a nice person and all; but that was just ridiculous.

What’s also ridiculous is something about my culture. I am so reluctant to post these criticism about my culture on my blog, I’ve been meaning to do that for a long time but always gave up the thought. I love my culture, for it is absolutely pitiful and pathetic for one to live without possessing one’s true identity; but as there’s always good AND bad things in everything, certain things I just can’t put up with anymore. I watched some show on life network before, basically they were documentaries of the process of ordinary western people (Americans) becoming parents. When the baby was born, the parents bursted into tears and said: I’m so happy that I brought this little life to earth, I just want this baby to grow up to be happy and enjoy this beautiful world. I cried, not only because I was touched by what they said, but also I knew this would never come out of Chinese parents’ mouths. There is an old Chinese saying: 养子防老, in English, producing children to prevent solitary life when one grows old. What a selfish thing it is. I’ve been cultivated to know that I live to repay, for something I don’t think I owe; Chinese parents believe that they produced us and thus gave us a chance to live, it is our duty to thank them and thus our lives are in debt. It is quite absurd, for we didn’t choose to be born. It’s like I forcefully give you a pen without asking whether you want to accept it or not and then ask you pay me $3.99 because I gave you a pen. I believe it’s not only a Chinese thing, it’s quite an Asian thing. That is why a lot of Chinese/Asian parents force their children to persue something as their career when their children absolutely detest it - but still must obey. Sometimes I hate it so much. But then, realistically speaking, when I have a kid I’d probably hope he/she’ll persue something as a career which I like; I think I’d be a horrible mom. Go back to my point, no matter how much I hate it, I still must perform it (as I said in my previous blog) for it is in the blood that runs in my veins, it is part of me.

My dad has been really absurd lately, and my issue with him is growing bigger and bigger. I ask him to do something for me he can refuse; but if he asks me to do things for him I must do it right away otherwise I get $@#$!ed.

Today is my 3-spare day, I was taking some notes in the library during 3rd period and saw some people in the library while they were supposed to be in their classes. No I won’t call them skippers, it’s a word almost in the derogatory sense; they weren’t in class because they had reasons. I sympathize with them. Everybody has days like that, in which the world just rotates backwardly. I suddenly had a huge surge of love towards my friends, I’d probably be mutilated million times if I didn’t know you; I know it sounds like a cliche but really, you guys really made my days brighter, I love you.

Audition in less than 2 weeks, Daniel said he’ll tour me around the faculty after my audition, I can’t wait. I stopped practising yesterday because my right hand was having a cramp, it hurt but I’m happy. I know I’ve suffered, and I hope suffering brings good outcome. Friends, parents and parents’ friends have been telling me that I don’t have big problems getting accepted, but I really don’t know; again it’s just an unpredictable probability, I might do really horribly for my audition and still get accepted, or do really well and not get accepted, or do really horribly and not get accepted, or do really well and get accepted. I feel much of my life has been some dice tossing, that induced my believing in fate. Sometimes I wish I could know my fate so I wouldn’t have to spend time and effort on something that’s gonna come out unlike the way I expect it to be. Too bad I don’t know my fate, and that’s precisely why my life is much more fun. What I do know is that life isn’t fair (ew, another cliche), and I don’t really wanna complain unless I need to vent to prevent some self-mutilation.

Lastly, I apologize for taking your time from the busy studying to read my long post. .. but I love you. =)

p.s. I decided to use blogsome, beacuse I don’t need to archive the posts manually thus it saves time.
p.p.s. I didn’t find a good fotoblog, so I decided to pay flickr for their unlimited storage when I’m in uni.

I’m pretty sure I wasn’t playing; I was just testing the keyboard. My hand would be too awkward if I was playing. 前天学校里的庆祝学校精神的演出上拍的；我没在弹，要不然我的手的姿势就太奇怪了。

Okay I officially decided to use this blog. (don’t beat me up… I’m sorry for always moving around, but seemingly I have this nature of abandoning old things for new things… )

Two and 3 days until my audition. I’m trying to focus; thus I’ll probably not use msn as often as before until the 28th. And yes, March break is my Ramadan week; no movies, no shopping trips, no going-outs, less TV, less msn, less fun… It’s good though, it’s good. The accumulated urge to have fun will make me a much happier person after the 28th.

Yesterday I bused to my piano teacher’s house. The bus driver didn’t even bother to stop at the stop which another lady and I wanted to get off; he just drove right pass it. I was a little frustrated, the lady started banging the door and swearing very loudly at the same time. Hey, didn’t they just raise the ticket price? We pay more for such awful service? Hmph.

I really hope it’s the last day winter is holding a firm grip of.

I still haven’t decided if I’m gonna use this host; I visited other users’ blogs on blogsome.com, and some of their archives date back to 2003 which shows this host has been pretty stable. The thing about diaryland is that you have to type the codes yourself when you want to insert a picture, make words bold, etc. and with blogsome (or wordpress) it’s so much easier. Not to mention they also have categories and even categories under parent categories; also, you can upload pictures and thanks to the category funtion, you can actually establish a real photoblog - which is what I’ve always wanted. But then, the only (and main) concern is, after I upload all my photos here, once they stop providing the service, I’ll jump off the building.

I’m back to the self-containing and people-hating state; it’s neither good nor bad. My absurdity commands me to shout at people while feeling really hurt and bad after doing it. Apologize? Most likely I’ll do it, but it won’t stop me from shouting at them next time. I’ve got a few people on the list to apologize to, and yet they frustrate me to the point I want to stab myself and pull my hair out. Yes, I’ve got quite a few mental problems.

Oh you have no idea how much I hate myself (half of the time) and other people (most of the time).

It makes laugh thinking about yesterday’s clac class. Mr.Heritage was writing on the board and somehow the gereral consensus informed him the discontent that our classroom smelled bad (like baby powder). Mr.Heritage sniffed, agreed that it did smell bad. Then, this guy grabbed an original sized bottle of Febreze from his backpack and started spraying around and it ended up making everybody sniffing around and praising the freshness of the smell.

Hmph, maybe I should get a bottle of that, AND bring it to school everyday to make sure the music hall doesn’t stink when it does.